Did you know there’s a race on Sunday?

We all love this sport don’t we? That’s why you’re reading this and I’ve spent most of my life living out of a suitcase … literally sometimes as I’m not very tall. So I assume you are as angry as I am at what’s been going on in Melbourne over the past couple of days.

On a day when we should have been celebrating the real start of the season, in a beautifully warm, sunny and packed-for-a-Friday Albert Park, everyone on television, in print and in the Twittersphere was more concerned with the drivers who weren’t on track than with those who were.

It’s going to turn into a great weekend of F1 action eventually, but the sport doesn’t do itself any favours, when you have to explain to people with only a passing interest in it that one team is not running in the first free practice session because another driver has taken them to court here in Melbourne, claiming he should be driving one of their cars.

Then the Manor team - born out of the ashes of Marussia - failed to run, basically because so many obstacles had been put in its way in recent weeks by other teams, that it just wasn’t capable of being ready in time.  Just getting here was in itself an achievement. The last driver not running and being talked about is Fernando Alonso, but thankfully that particular seam of speculative journalism is slowly drying up and I haven’t seen any recent stories about his car being controlled by invisible aliens from Uranus, just before he crashed in Barcelona.

It’s not like she’s running a hospital in which patients are dying like flies, or invading another country with military force for no reason

Some of the hacks in the FIA team manager’s press conference held this evening seem to think they are high-ranking investigative journalists rather than writers covering a global but rather geeky sport. They attacked Sauber Team Principal, Monisha Kaltenborn’s competence to run the team, asking her if she was fit to be team principal and if she was considering resigning. For goodness sake, it’s Formula 1, it’s not like she’s running a hospital in which patients are dying like flies, or invading another country with military force for no reason. She had to attend the conference, as you get fined by the FIA if you don’t, but she couldn’t say much because clearly most of the matter must be sub judice. It’s at times like this that the sport - and that includes the media - should try and work things out without dragging people through the gutter.

While it’s true that s**t happens in sport as well as in real life, there are ways to deal with these problems in a reasonable and well-ordered manner. At times of crisis in other sports, the governing body usually steps in and pours oil on troubled waters and if there are any tasty morsels of gossip still on view, they get swept under a carpet, rather than be fed to the media jackals. But that’s never the case in F1, where the governing body and the promoter always work on the principle of Divide et Impera, which for any of you who exhausted your Latin knowledge on my earlier use of sub judice, means divide and rule.

On a lighter note, Ferrari’s Maurizio Arrivabene, making his first appearance in a team principal’s press conference, lightened the mood and showed a surprising understanding of prostitute patois revealing that when it came to paying for this year’s engines, he had told Manor’s Graham Lowdon, sitting behind him on the dais, “No money no honey!” However, when talking about last year’s debt, which doesn’t involve Manor, the Italian sounded more like a member of an Italian institution even more famous than Ferrari. “We are still working to get back our money,” he growled, like a man who runs a side-line manufacturing concrete boots.

I saw Aussie Paul Stoddart in the paddock, who apart from running Minardi back in the day, also did a handy line in 3-seater F1 cars to give punters a thrill. I reckon he should head down to Sauber and offer his services.

Hopefully, as from tomorrow, we can crowbar everyone’s attention back to the racetrack and enjoy what is always one of the best race weekends of the year.

And in other news, I am winning my annual battle 2-nil with the security people on the gates who always try and stop me cycling into the circuit in the morning. Apparently, riding a bike is very dangerous in Albert Park, almost as dangerous as walking. On Thursday I just went for the flat-out attack and they jumped out of my way, whereas this morning, just as the man tried to stop me, I pointed over his shoulder, and with a horrified expression on my face shouted out, “Behind you!”

It worked like a dream. Any suggestions for entry strategy for the final two days?

Click here for Friday's gallery from the Australian Grand Prix

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