Silbermann says ... A letter to Chase Carey

Eric Silbermann discovers a letter to the new Chairman of the Formula 1 Group, Chase Carey, from the company that brokered the sales deal for CVC.

Dear Mr Carey,

Congratulations on your recent purchase of Formula 1, and can we just say how much we love your sense of irony, someone working for Fox and Rupert Murdoch now putting his name to something with the word “Liberty” in the title. We all had a chuckle over that. We hope you will derive great pleasure from this product and enjoy many years of successful ownership and use. We recommend that before opening the box and using your new purchase, you carefully read the handbook enclosed. Failure to do so may invalidate your warranty and render the product faulty. (You were offered a warranty weren’t you?)

Note: you may find some parts from the previous model still in the box (28-10-1930 Ecclestone CB for example.) We advise leaving this where it is for now and refer you to the words of Chinese general Sun Tzu, or Machiavelli or possibly ‘the Godfather’, –“keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Here at GetRidQuick, we pride ourselves on the quality of our product, however it is just possible that you may find some extraneous parts left in the box when you have finished assembling your Formula 1. For example there might be a small balloon filled with hot air, marked FIA. This used to be an integral component of the Formula 1 but can now be safely omitted. Similarly there could be a small box of assorted screws and nuts. These are likely to be very old. Caution: they are magnetic and might be latched on to aforementioned part 28-10-1930 Ecclestone CB. You can safely take these down the tip for recycling.

You have purchased the very latest 2016 version of Formula 1, but please note we still manufacture a retro version for the older user. Occasionally elements of this find their way into the 2016 packaging. Only last week for example we received complaints that the BBC Lunchtime News had used Retro Part, (17-09-1929 Moss S) to explain the benefits of hanging on to Part Number 28-10-1930 Ecclestone CB.

In the days before mobile phones and Skype, FaceTime etc, 2-way radios were popular in the paddock section of your Formula 1. Don’t worry if some of the older technology is still in the box, eg: Part Number Walkie-Talkie 11-06-1939 JY Stewart. In fact, you might find this worth keeping for entertainment value alone, thanks to its garish packaging, akin to a tin of Scottish shortbread biscuits and a funny little rotating roller blind arrangement in its outer layer or “shirt”, as found on the front of old London buses, allowing you to change the destination, or in this case the sponsor from Goodyear, to Ford, to Rolex, to RBS, Genii, Heineken etc in the blink of an eye.

Although watching your Formula 1 is fun, here at GetRidQuick, we realise you would like your new purchase to be profitable. Do not be fooled into thinking that taking your Formula 1 to as many new places as possible is the way to go. As this is the only Formula 1 in the world, you will receive many offers to look after it for you from countries you might have difficulty finding on a map. The initial offer might be attractive, but our sales office has found that interest levels have been very disappointing in countries that have few vowels, poor hygiene, lots of sand and high levels of humidity. We note from your credit card slip with which you purchased our Formula 1 that you are based in the USA. Therefore you are perfectly placed to understand the concept of a “World Series” taking place in just one country, or at least in countries that appreciate it.

Our R&D department has been working on Formula 1 for a long time now, however, time constraints and a working practice peculiar to our industry known as CBA (Can’t Be Arsed) means we should warn you that we have neglected the way we package the product. Pick up the box. See how it tips towards one end? That’s because of those big heavy components, marked Ferrari, Mercedes, McLaren, Red Bull, Williams. Do not make the mistake made by previous owners of favouring these, because when you come to assemble them, you will actually find they do not work very well without the much smaller items in the box, for example, Force India, Sauber and Manor.

NOTE: the photo on the cover of the box is for illustrative purposes only. The actual contents may differ from those shown and you will have to provide the following items yourself: a sales and marketing plan, a sustainability programme and a growing young audience.

In case of difficulties, you can ring the dedicated helpline at any time. However, please note that while we encourage the use of such cleaning products as grit, spit, polish and elbow grease to add sparkle to this Formula 1, we will not pay out on any insurance claim if we discover you have dipped any parts in asset stripper.

Finally, if you have any doubts about best practice for this Formula 1 product, can we refer you to the words of your fellow American and great sports writer, Grantland Rice: “For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name, he writes, not that you won or lost, but how you played the game.”

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